Hello, Goodbye
by Kristen Elizabeth
Summary: Everything else we'll play by ear. GSR, Spoilers for 7x11, Leaving Las Vegas through 7x15 Law of Gravity
1. That's no way to say goodbye

Disclaimer: Characters contained within do not belong to me. 

Author's Notes: I knew it would happen, and it did. Tonight's new episode, "Leaving Las Vegas," left me with the incredible urge to write. This is what came out. It's not done, but I don't anticipate a long epic. Still I hope you enjoy it!

* * *

Hello, Goodbye 

by Kristen Elizabeth

* * *

_Yes, many loved before us, I know that we are not new, _

_In city and in forest, they smiled like me and you, _

_But now it's come to distances and both of us must try, _

_Your eyes are soft with sorrow, _

_Hey, that's no way to say goodbye._

_-Leonard Cohen_

* * *

After work, Sara went straight to her apartment, turning down an offer of a free breakfast from Greg. He was smiling when he asked, something he'd done a lot less of ever since he was handed a fat civil suit. Something had put him in a good mood. 

She wished he would tell her what it was. Maybe it would help her, too.

When she entered her apartment, she was instantly reminded of how long it had been since she'd stopped by; she'd forgotten about a bowl of apples on her counter, and now they were mostly sour. She got rid of them quickly, and sprayed some air freshener.

Sara shed her jacket and kicked off her boots. There was an accumulated pile of catalogs and junk mail to sort through, but she just didn't have the energy.

The shift had been long and laborious for several reasons, not the least of which being the fact that the lab was abuzz with the news of Grissom's departure. Once Hodges had a piece of information in his slippery hands, it might as well have been featured on the six o'clock news.

She supposed she should be grateful for the man's big mouth. If not for him, she wouldn't have been prepared to say goodbye. She might have cried, or stomped her foot, or even begged Grissom not to go. As it was, she'd gotten all of that out of her system, and by the time he found her in the locker room, she'd been able to pull off a brilliant performance. She hadn't clung, but she hadn't pushed him away. She'd smiled, spoken when she needed to, and kept her mouth shut when saying anything more would have upset their delicate balance.

What more could he ask of her?

In the bedroom, Sara stripped and threw her work clothes in the empty hamper. The pipes hadn't been used in so long that they groaned in protest when she turned the shower on. As the water heated up, she examined herself in the mirror until steam clouded over her reflection.

The shower was scalding hot, just like she liked it. She let it pound her neck and shoulders until they ached. Only then did she lather up her hair and body. She made a mental note to buy more shampoo. Or to stop by his place to get the full bottle that she kept in his bathroom.

Dripping and shivering after she left the bathroom, Sara reached for a faded pair of Harvard sweatpants, an oversized T-shirt with bleach stains and a thick pair of woolen socks. Those clothes, not surprisingly, had never made it to his place. However most of her underwear drawer had. She was down to plain white cotton briefs and a few sports bras. She grabbed the first items she saw and got dressed.

While she was in the shower, the sun had fully risen. When she came back into the living room, she had to pull the blinds to block out some of the intense light. She wasn't hungry, but she knew she had to eat. Fortunately there were some protein bars in the cabinet. She made a breakfast of two of them, with a glass of water. As she ate standing up at the counter, she started a grocery list. Her kitchen would need some major re-stocking.

She'd just added "whole milk" to her list when the phone rang.

Sara lowered her pencil and watched the phone through three more rings. The caller ID screen told her everything she needed to know. Just before it was set to go to voicemail, she grabbed the receiver.

"How was your flight?" she asked, skipping the unnecessary formalities.

"Long," Grissom replied. "I slept through most of it."

She nodded even though he couldn't see it. "Well. I'm glad you got there safely."

"Yeah." He was quiet for so long, she was afraid he might have hung up, having said all that he needed to. "Sara…I want to apologize…" He stopped and tried again. "I should have been the one to tell you…" Another second passed before he finished with, "I'm sorry."

Sara crossed her arm over her stomach. "I found out from Hodges."

"I know." She thought she could hear him swallow. "I'm not good at confrontation."

"I would have understood. You underestimated me." She let him chew on that for a moment. "Apology accepted."

Grissom let out a breath that she could almost feel in her ear. "It's snowing here," he eventually said.

Sara smiled. "I miss snow."

"Maybe you could come see it."

If he hadn't put the idea out there with such caution, she might have dismissed it as something he felt required to suggest. But there was something in the way he said it that told her he'd put thought into it.

Sara looked down at her socks, blinking rapidly. "I don't know what I should say to that. On the one hand, you're asking me exactly what I want you to. But on the other…"

"What, Sara?" Grissom gently urged her to go on.

"You left. And maybe it really is just that you needed some time off. But I don't know that for sure. So in my mind, I've come up with all these...other reasons. And most of them have to do with you needing space away from me."

"Sara…"

"I don't know if I'm supposed to tell you that I'd love nothing better than to fly out there every weekend. Or if I'm supposed to politely decline and stay here, letting you have whatever time and space you need. I didn't even know if you were going to call me to tell me you got there. I thought the locker room was it. And I would have been okay with that, Grissom. I would have. Because even though it hurts…it really, really hurts…I don't want to hold onto you too tightly. I mean…you didn't even kiss me goodbye."

"Do you think I could have kissed you tonight and still gotten in that cab?" Grissom was quiet for a minute. "I should have considered your feelings a little more before I asked what I did."

Sara shook her head. "Just tell me what the rules are. I'm very good at following rules. You know…when they're worth following."

His chuckle was faint. "There are no rules. I'll email you my class schedule, but you call me when you need to call me." He paused. "Can I call you when I need to?"

She licked her lip and tasted salt. "Yeah. Of course."

Another few second slipped by. The conversation was over, but neither one of them wanted to hang up. Finally, Sara worked up the courage. "I should get some sleep."

"Right," Grissom said. "Well. I guess I'll talk to you soon."

"You will," Sara assured him. "Everything else…we'll play by ear."

There was a soft click on the other end; it was awhile before Sara replaced the receiver in the phone cradle.

She wandered to the couch with the last half of her protein bar. Curling up with some throw pillows, she turned on the TV. Morning talk shows put her to sleep without fail.

Lying on her side, the extra paunch around her middle that he still hadn't noticed was even more visible. Sara put her hand against it as if to reconfirm that it was actually there. That she hadn't dreamed the results of the home test.

"It's just going to be you and me for awhile," she said to the tiny life growing inside of her. "But it's only four weeks. When he's home, we'll tell him." Sara sighed. "And hope he doesn't hop the next flight back to Massachusetts."

* * *

To Be Continued 

A/N: I'm sorry if you're over the whole pregnancy thing, but dude...watch that locker room scene again. She can hide behind her jacket as much as she wants, but freeze the screen when she's standing in profile...I'm just saying. Girl's got bump.

Thanks for stopping by!


	2. Sometimes love just ain't enough

Disclaimer: Characters contained within do not belong to me. 

Author's Notes: Thanks to PhDelicious for the once-over, and the always-helpful advice. I'm so glad that a lot of people seemed to really enjoy the first chapter! (And agreed with me about the bump thing...which, I might add, was a comment about the character, not the actress.) Hope this chapter is just as much fun for you:)

* * *

Hello, Goodbye 

by Kristen Elizabeth

* * *

_Now, I could never change you,  
I don't want to blame you.  
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.  
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.  
Maybe I just want to have it all._

_- Patti Smith and Don Henley_

* * *

Grissom set one paper aside and reached for the next on top of the stack. Blinking his tired eyes, he scanned the handwritten lines. 

_I chose to take this course because…I think you're one of the foremost minds in this field, and I've read everything you've ever written. From this course, I hope to get…a better understanding of what it takes to become a scientist of your caliber._

Yanking off his glasses, Grissom was tempted to ball the paper up and chuck it in the trashcan along with the half-dozen others just like it.

When he'd asked his Williams students to finish the two statements "I chose to take this course because…" and "From this course, I hope to get…" he'd really expected to read some honest responses about passion for the subject matter, or innate curiosity about all things exoskeletoned.

What he'd gotten was his butt kissed. A lot.

Grissom glanced at the clock. It was midnight on the east coast. In Nevada, Sara would be getting ready for work. He walked through her routine in his mind. A short shower…she would take a longer one in the morning, to wash away whatever she dealt with over the course of the shift…followed by an even shorter beauty routine.

He loved to watch her whenever she indulged in a moment of pure femininity. It was a reminder that he wasn't just sleeping with his CSI. He was in a relationship with a woman who mattered more to him than any woman before her. Sometimes she'd catch sight of his reflection in the mirror, and she'd tease him a little, spreading on her lipstick with sensual ease, or dabbing the tiniest drop of perfume between her breasts.

Clearing his throat, Grissom tried to focus on the next paper in the stack, praying that the student's response would distract him from the tightening in his groin. He felt seventeen again, horny at the drop of a hat. For ten years he'd existed just fine with a sex life that was sparse on its best day. Now he couldn't go four days without wanting to pull his hair out.

Four weeks might just kill him.

He gave up on the papers, tossing them to the other side of the bed for later review. Leaning back against the hotel pillows, he tried to relax, willing his body in a Zen-like state of calm. But all he could see when he closed his eyes was Sara in the locker room.

He admitted it. He'd anticipated an emotional scene with her. And he'd made all the wrong choices in his foolish desperation to avoid it. But he should have known better. Sara surprised him every day. The night he'd left had just been one more revelation. She cared about him enough to let him go.

She might have accepted his apology, but he was a long way from letting himself off the hook for his actions.

Grissom opened his eyes and turned his head until he could see his cell phone sitting on the night stand. He was just about to reach for it when it lit up. He grabbed it, and thanked whatever power existed above that the only name he wanted to see was the one that appeared on the screen.

"Are you tired of the snow yet?" Sara asked when he answered. He let her voice wash over him, although hearing it only made the tension below his belt worse.

"No," he relied honestly. "But I might be too old to deal with students."

After he filled her in on the brown-nosing, she laughed softly. "I shudder to think what you must have thought about me in San Francisco."

"You never sucked up."

Sara made a scoffing noise. "I asked for your email address. Not only that, but I used it."

"And I was glad you did. I still am."

Just like in the locker room, he said something he thought was deeply meaningful, and she let it go by without comment.

Grissom cleared his throat. "I take it you're about leave for work."

"Actually…I'm not on tonight."

"Catherine gave you the night off?"

Her reply was hesitant. "Yeah."

She didn't sound right when she said it, and he frowned. "Are you okay?"

"No. I'm…" He held his breath waiting for her to continue. "I'm missing you."

More than anything in the world, Grissom wished he was there to hold her. Sara was a strong woman, but there were times when her walls crumbled. This seemed to be one of those times. He heard a faint sniff, but when she spoke again, her voice was steady. "I really wanted to wait longer to call you," she said. "But my apartment's just too quiet."

"You're at your place." He had no idea why this bothered him, but it did. "I thought you'd just stay at my place."

"Yeah, well…there's even more quiet rooms there."

His chin dropped down to his chest. "I had no idea this would be so…difficult"

"Really, Gil?" Sara only used his first name when she was upset or having an orgasm, so he immediately knew he'd said the wrong thing. Again. "It seems to me like you did know, but you just…" She stopped, like her anger was a balloon and someone had just popped it. "I'm not in a great frame of mind right now."

"Sara, is something wrong?"

She sighed. "It's nothing."

"Then why are you taking a night off?"

"It's just a stomach thing, okay? I'll be fine."

Grissom was surprised he'd gotten her to admit that much. He had a feeling that pressing any further would be fruitless. If something was really wrong, she would tell him. "I'm sorry you're not feeling well."

"I'm pretty good at taking care of myself," Sara said softly. "And you're out there to take care of yourself. You can't do that if you're worrying about me."

He pulled at a loose thread on the cheap bedspread. "I think about you."

"I try not to think about you," she whispered.

There was a lump in his throat that he couldn't swallow; it was choking him. Regret never went down easily. "I will be back, Sara."

"And I'll be here. But that doesn't mean everything will be the same." She paused. "Things change."

Grissom frowned. "Are you saying…what are you saying?"

"I just think while you're soul-searching, you should ask yourself if you're ready for your life to be different."

"Now you really are worrying me, honey."

A few seconds passed. "Get some sleep," she told him. "You'll need your rest if you're going to go another round with the butt-kissers."

"Sara, you can't just say something like that and then…"

"Yes, I can."

He heard the click on the other end, followed by eerie silence. In slow motion, he closed up his phone and set it aside. His other hand reached for the abandoned papers to his right.

_I chose to take this course because…my advisor told me I needed to. From this course, I hope to get...credit._

Grissom felt a migraine coming on.

* * *

To Be Continued 


	3. Insensitive

Disclaimer: Characters contained within do not belong to me. 

Author's Notes: Thanks to everyone who's replied with such wonderful enthusaism to this story! I hope you keep reading and enjoying.

* * *

Hello, Goodbye

by Kristen Elizabeth

* * *

_How do you block the sound _

_Of a voice you'd know anywhere?_

_- Jann Arden_

* * *

She was surrounded by desert. The road stretched in front of her for miles, but she could only see what was right in front of her. It was always a strange feeling, like even though she knew where she was going, anything at all could be waiting for her in the darkness. And she wouldn't know until she was immediately upon it. When it was too late to turn back.

Catherine hadn't been thrilled with the idea of sending her out into the field alone, but even with the addition of Keppler, they were short-staffed. The scene to which she was heading wasn't major enough to warrant two CSIs.

Sara didn't mind working alone. In fact, she preferred it now that she was experiencing unpredictable bouts of morning sickness. If she needed to pull over on the road, she didn't have to come up with any excuses for her sudden nausea. She could puke in peace.

It was official now that her gynecologist had examined her. The baby was due in mid-July. While Sara wasn't in love with the idea of being nine months pregnant in the heat of a Las Vegas summer, she discovered that she was growing a little more attached to the fetus with each passing day.

She wasn't ready to pick out baby names, however. Until Grissom knew about the baby, it didn't seem right to make any long-term plans. She'd started taking better care of herself with vitamins and rest, and for now that would have to do.

It was little wonder that she tried to avoid thinking about him, because invariably when she did, loneliness would smack her across the face. Her heart bled from missing him. And he'd only been gone for nine days.

Their last phone conversation had left them in an awkward limbo. She admitted that it was her fault. In a moment of weakness after throwing up for almost an hour, she'd found herself dialing his number, needing to hear his voice. But she hadn't been prepared for the anger that suddenly came over her.

He was on the other side of the country teaching a bunch of brown-nosing college students about one stupid bug while her body was being put through hell. And then he had the nerve to act like he hadn't foreseen that separation would hurt them both.

It had struck a nerve, and she'd lashed out at him. Now she was afraid of what damage she might have done to the already-delicate balance of their relationship. But she was determined not to be the one to call again. Let him take a turn.

Apparently, Grissom could read her mind all the way in Massachusetts. Because no more than five minutes later, her cell phone rang. She took one hand off the wheel long enough to set her wireless earpiece in place.

"You're up late," she said, returning her eyes to the road.

"I couldn't sleep," Grissom said. "Am I catching you at a bad time?"

"I'm on my way to a scene. And I'm alone. So no, you're fine."

"You're feeling better then?"

Sara smiled softly. "I'm okay. For now."

"See, that does nothing to ease my mind." He sighed with a touch of frustration. "If there's something wrong with you, and you're not telling me in order to punish me…"

She swallowed back her shock. "Do you really think I would do that?"

He hesitated. "No. Of course not. I'm sorry, honey." Another pause followed. "I hate how things are right now between us."

"Distance is a bitch," Sara reminded him.

"I know. Believe me…I get it." Grissom sighed again, only this time with remorse. "Just tell me that you're all right, Sara."

"I'm all right," she humored him. "I told you not to worry about me."

"And then you talked about everything changing," he reminded her. "I don't want anything to change."

Her stomach tied itself into one giant knot. "You don't?"

"Of course not. Why would I want things to change? Everything I want in life, I've got. I have you." Grissom was quiet for a second, obviously waiting for her reply. "Sara?" he finally said. "Have I lost you?"

"I'm right here," she managed to whisper. She dropped one hand from the steering wheel to cover her belly.

"No, I meant…" He stopped. "I'm not any good at this. I should be there telling you these things."

Sara eased her foot off the gas; she was going to need to pull over soon. "Telling me what?"

"That I love you. I miss you. And I'm sorry I handled all of this so badly, but it didn't mean that I want us to change. When I get back, I want things to be like they were."

She swerved onto the shoulder, came to a stop and put the Denali in park. A few calming breaths did nothing to suppress the nausea. "Gil…" Bile rose in her throat. "I just got to my scene. I have to go now."

"You're mad at me."

Sara groped for the door handle and pushed it open. Fresh, cold air hit her like a welcome wave. "I'm not. I just…I can't talk right now."

"Technically, I'm still your supervisor. I think you can spare a second from your scene so we can…"

"I can't!" she yelled. Clapping her hand over her mouth, she swung her legs around, sliding out of the car. "We'll talk…later. Okay?"

When Grissom replied, his voice was cool. "Hiding behind the job is very easy, isn't it? I remember."

Sara ripped off her earpiece, threw it back into the Denali and emptied her stomach onto the sand.

When there was nothing left to purge, she slumped back against the cool metal. Crossing her arms over her stomach, she looked up at the starry sky.

She heard laughter and it took her a moment to realize it was coming from her. Sara shook her head back and forth against the car door, her chest aching with joyless mirth.

Experience should have taught her that you could have a little or you could have nothing, but you could never have it all. White picket fence worlds didn't exist. Fifty year-old bachelors didn't become family men. And getting knocked up wasn't cause for celebration or planning; it was just a biological consequence of forgetting to take a few pills, and being too impatient to look for a condom.

Better to take care of that consequence now, before she fell in love with it.

A strong wind blew over her, drying the tears on her cheeks. She got back in the car, drove the rest of the way to her scene, and worked until dawn.

* * *

To Be Continued 


	4. Regret

Disclaimer: Characters contained within do not belong to me. 

Author's Notes: No loophole here. I'm just saying. Thanks to everyone who's reading this story;) I hope you're having fun with it.

* * *

Hello, Goodbye 

by Kristen Elizabeth

* * *

_And sometimes I despair _

_At who I've become _

_I __have to come to terms _

_With what I've done_

_-- Anathema_

* * *

Being a west coast native, Grissom didn't know much about New England winters. But he was fairly certain that in mid-January, it wasn't right that he was perfectly comfortable in a light jacket as he sat outside the science building, downing a late lunch. 

Since the one flurry of snow the night he'd arrived, the temperature had been fairly moderate. It was just as well that Sara wouldn't be flying out to see him anytime soon. He wouldn't be breaking another promise to her by failing to give her snow.

He glanced down at the half-eaten hot dog, purchased from a push cart on the other side of the quad. His appetite had all but vanished now with the memory of how badly their last conversation had ended.

Calling her should have fixed things. He didn't understand how everything had managed to get even more twisted. But he supposed he shouldn't have been surprised. He'd always known that being with Sara wouldn't be like being with any other woman in the world. It was always going to be complicated and messy and even painful. Because once you let your heart rule instead of your head, you were asking for trouble.

Unfortunately trouble in this instance hadn't come from Sara; he'd brought it upon himself. They hadn't spoken in three days, a fact that sat on his shoulders like a pair of fifty-pound weights. He even found himself slumping over under the pressure of it all, old before his time and all for the love of one indefinable woman.

As he stood to throw his lunch away, the phone in his pocket began to vibrate. The day was looking up.

His sudden good mood didn't last long. The name on the phone's screen wasn't the one he was hoping to see.

"Catherine, I'm about to head into class," he said with a sigh as soon as he opened the phone. "Can this wait?"

"I think you're picking up some of that east coat attitude," she said, a bit haughtily. "Nice to talk to you, too."

He counted to five, like he often did when dealing with Catherine. "I have a minute. What's on your mind?"

"Did you approve any leave for Sara before you left?"

Grissom stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, and a kid in a hurry to get to his next class bumped into his shoulder. He didn't really feel the impact. "No. Why?"

"Well, she's asked for a few days off, and when I asked why, she told me you wouldn't have a problem with it."

He looked up at the gray sky, trying very hard to keep himself from jumping to conclusions, good or bad. Not that he would object to a surprise visit from his girlfriend. But this request could be as simple as Sara needing some time to process everything that was going on between them. He certainly understood that.

"Is it a problem for you?" Grissom asked. "Isn't there some new guy there filling in?"

"Keppler, yeah. No, it's not a problem. I guess I'm just…well, concerned about her. She's actually taken sick leave, Gil." At his silence, Catherine continued, "I know! Weird, right? And then the other day…"

"What happened the other day?" he asked as casually as he could manage.

Catherine sighed. "We have this new receptionist working part time. Sweet girl, but she doesn't know everyone's names yet, and some of our messages have been getting a little mixed up. The other day, one of Sara's messages got into my pile. And it was from a Dr. McFadden." She gave him a second with that information. "If Sara is sick, I need to know. I can't risk the integrity of a scene by sending a potentially-ill CSI into the field."

Grissom's mouth was dry, and he doubted it was from the cool air. "Did you ask Sara about it?"

"No," Catherine admitted. "But I did start looking up the Dr. McFadden's on the lab's HMO." After a pause, she asked, "Want to know what I found?"

He desperately wanted to say 'no,' but he couldn't.

She took his silence as an affirmative response. "There are two on the lists. An endocrinologist and an OB/GYN. So…she's either got one of a hundred diseases of the endocrine system or…" She let the thought trail off.

"Or what?" Grissom shook his head. "Sara goes to a Dr. Levy for her yearly…" He stopped cold.

There wasn't going to be any explaining himself out of this one.

To her credit, Catherine didn't blow up or laugh hysterically or call him an old fool. All she did was sigh one more time. "Gil, it's just plain creepy that you know that. Do me a favor. Before you get arrested for watching her through her windows at night, just take her out to dinner!"

He blinked once. Twice. Three times.

"Look, no one goes to an endocrinologist unless they've been referred, and that only happens if there's something wrong," Catherine concluded. "I doubt she'd be very responsive to me right now. So maybe you can call her? Tell her I have no intention grounding her to the lab. If she's sick, we can work around it. I just need to know."

Grissom heard a low voice in the background, and then the muffled sound of Catherine's hand covering the receiver. After a second, she was back.

"Gotta go. 419." Before she hung up, she added, "Call Sara!"

Suddenly, the air around him felt much colder. The possibility that Sara was sick enough to consult a specialist had him on the verge of losing the little lunch he'd forced down. But suddenly everything made sense.

Her refusal to discuss her sickness…of course she wouldn't want to tell him over the phone. Telling him she was good at taking care of herself…like the fiercely independent person she was, she wasn't going to burden him with this.

Asking him if he was ready for life to be different…she was preparing him for the possibility of her death, and the reality of a world without her.

Grissom had to reach out and grab a lamppost for support. Sara was sick, maybe even dying. And he'd left her all by herself just when she needed him the most.

Of all his sins, this was by far the most unforgivable.

* * *

To Be Continued 


	5. The rainbow connection

Disclaimer: Characters contained within do not belong to me. 

Author's Notes: Thanks to Alison and Lisa, who really want to see this story finished already! And thanks to everyone else whose kind words keep me motivated.

* * *

Hello, Goodbye 

by Kristen Elizabeth

* * *

_Who said that every wish _

_Would be heard and answered _

_When wished on the morning star?_

_Somebody thought of that _

_And someone believed it _

_And look what it's done so far…_

_- As sung by Sarah McLachlan_

* * *

"Even though Dr. Levy sent over your medical records, we still need you to fill out this paperwork before Dr. McFadden can see you. Take your time with it; there's no rush." The receptionist smiled warmly as she handed Sara a clipboard. "You can have a seat right over there." 

The waiting room was dotted with women in various stages of pregnancy. Clutching the clipboard, Sara searched for a chair that wasn't too close to anyone who looked about to pop. The last thing she needed to see was a doe-eyed mother-to-be stroking her stomach and talking about the miracle of life.

She chose a seat between two relatively thin women, neither of whom were reading anything that had to do with babies or maternal health. It seemed safe there. Settling in, she started on her paperwork.

Filling out a medical questionnaire always depressed her. She had to check the 'yes' boxes for so many things of which she was ashamed. The sins of her life and her family lay out in front of her. Alcohol abuse, smoking, mental illness, abuse…this was the history she would have given her child.

And it wasn't as if Grissom would have made up for her genetic shortcomings, what with his mother's deafness and his father's heart disease. Their child would have been a ticking time bomb, physically and mentally.

But it would have had the sweetest smile.

She paused with her pen hovering over the paper. Of course she'd thought about what a child of theirs would look like. In her wildest dreams, she'd come up with hundreds of different combinations of their features. His eyes and her hair…her nose with his chin…his forehead and her cheekbones.

Sara shook her head, refusing to let her imagination get started. She'd arrived at the most logical decision for all concerned parties. Just because her arms ached to hold her baby didn't mean that she had any business being a mother. And even though she was biologically equipped to bring the child to term, she wasn't sure she was emotionally prepared.

Especially if she'd be doing it by herself.

She finished the sheet in a flourish and returned it to the receptionist. After picking up a magazine of her own, Sara settled in to wait her turn with the doctor. She'd been told to bring someone with her, to take care of her after the procedure. But who would she have called? Catherine was out of the question for more reasons than she could count. Nick had never come out and said it, but she was fairly certain he landed on the right-wing side of the fence regarding this particular procedure. Greg might have kept her spirits up, but this was entirely too personal to share with him.

So she'd have to take care of herself after it was all over. At least she had a lot of practice in that.

As she skimmed over an article on butt-tightening exercises, her phone rang. A shiver ran down her spine. It couldn't be him. Not now, not when she was here, about to do what she was about to do.

The phone kept ringing and the other women in the waiting area were starting to give her looks. Reluctantly, Sara reached into her bag for her phone.

"You've kind of caught me at a bad time," she said before he could say anything else. "Can I call you back?"

"No," Grissom said, firmly. "We need to talk. Really talk. Right now."

Sara glanced at the women on either side of her; they were very busy pretending not to listen as they looked at their magazines. "This isn't the best time, I told you. I'll call you later and…"

"I know what you're keeping from me."

She swallowed heavily, but there was no time to consider how he might have found out. He was Gil Grissom. It wasn't beyond him to put the pieces together, even from three thousand miles away.

"You have no reason to put your trust in the man who just packed up and left you…" he went on. "But you have to know this, Sara. I love you…and whatever happens, I'm going to be with you. Even if you don't want me to be."

Sara stood up on shaky legs and walked to an empty corner of the room, away from innocently prying ears. "Are you sure you know what you're getting yourself into? It might seem like the right thing to do now, but later when it's painful and messy…"

"How can you think that would matter to me?"

"Because what else am I supposed to think? You said it yourself…you like who we are right now. When all of that changes, how can I be sure you won't take another sabbatical?"

He was quiet for a second. "I deserve that. But in all fairness, Sara, I didn't have any idea what was going on when I said what I did. If I'd known…"

"You wouldn't have said it?" She smiled sadly. "It still would have been true; you just wouldn't have been honest with me."

"Please don't put words in my mouth. I do like who we are. But I also have enough faith in us to believe that we can cope with anything. Even something as big as this."

Sara put her hand over her heart. "Really?"

"Really." Grissom paused. "I love you."

"I love you, too," she whispered. "But is that enough?"

"Enough? Honey…it's everything. How else do you see getting through this?"

She looked around the waiting room. Earlier, she'd only noticed the bulging bellies. She hadn't noticed the men sitting next to many of her fellow patients. She hadn't wanted to see them, hadn't wanted to be reminded of what she thought she couldn't have.

But that was before he called and offered everything to her.

"I didn't think I was going to," Sara replied hoarsely.

Again, he was quiet. "I don't want to hear you talking like that. Nothing's ever for certain, Sara. We're scientists; we've witnessed the resilience of the human body. And you're healthy and strong. You will survive."

She frowned. "Um..."

"Just let me be there with you," he implored. "I can't let you go through this alone. You'd do the same thing for me."

Sara blinked several times. "Gil, what are you...?"

He cut her off. "'In sickness and in health' doesn't only apply to people who are married. Just think about that, okay?"

She closed her eyes. It would be hard to decide when she saw him again whether she should kiss him or kill him. And maybe, when he learned the truth, he would feel the same way.

Just for once in this completely insane relationship, the only one she'd ever really cared about, it would be nice if they could actually communicate with each other. Accurately.

"Sara Sidle?" A nurse called her name out loud, and her stomach dropped several inches. She covered the receiver before the woman went on, "The doctor will see you now."

"Gil," she said, uncovering the mouthpiece. "I have to go. I will call you later, I promise." She paused. "Tell me we're going to be okay."

"I'm hoping for better than that, Sara."

With a smile, she nodded. "Then...so will I."

She closed up the phone and returned to her seat to retrieve her bag. The nurse waited patiently, but instead of going to her, Sara headed for the exit.

* * *

To Be Continued 


	6. The view

Disclaimer: Characters within do not belong to me.

Author's Notes: Well, it took awhile to get this out, and I do apologize for that. I might not have ever finished without the gentle (Help! She's got a ruler!!) prodding of my fantastic beta, PhDelicious. I also want to thank Lisa for all her concrit and kindness:) And thanks to you, the reader, for sticking with me through my computer troubles and shiny object syndrome. Enjoy!

* * *

Hello, Goodbye  
by Kristen Elizabeth

* * *

_As life gets longer, awful feels softer.  
Well if feels pretty soft to me.  
And if it takes shit to make bliss,  
well I feel pretty blissfully._

* * *

She was fourteen minutes late. Fourteen minutes and he was ready to jump out of his skin.

Grissom glanced around the dining room, checking once again to make sure everything was in place. Every candle, every utensil...no detail was too small to be overlooked. So much hung in the balance.

He had to admit that he'd been surprised to see her looking so well, even fresh from a garbage dump. On the flight home, his dozing dreams had been laced with images of her frail body, her pale face. Too tired and too sick to answer her phone any of the half-dozen times he'd tried to call her since their last conversation.

But then her smile had been bright. Startled, maybe even a little embarrassed to be caught streaked with grime, but full of life. He had wanted to get her alone right then, to reassure her that he'd meant what he'd said on the phone. She could rely on him. He wasn't going to leave, even when things got tough. They'd face the future together.

Everything had been postponed when Mike Keppler was killed. Now, three days later, Sara was finally on her way to his place for what would be their real reunion. The one where he planned to hold her, and quite possibly never let her go again.

The sound of knuckles rapping lightly on his door confused him. And even though it was Sara standing on his stoop, Grissom's frown grew deeper.

"What happened to your key?"

"I wasn't sure if you wanted me to just...come in," she said, her voice perfectly throaty.

Grissom stepped aside to let her by. "You never have to knock on this door, Sara."

Still, she entered like she'd lost her passport. "Something smells good."

He closed the door and took a breath before replying, "Spicy noodles."

"My favorite."

"I know." They watched each other for a long moment. He had no idea what she was thinking; he was just enjoying looking at her. "Let me take your coat," he said, breaking the silence.

"No!" She wrapped the two halves of the short, corded jacket tighter around her middle, and folded her arms over them. "It's a little cold in here."

Now he was worried. The thermostat was set at seventy-three. "I can turn the heat on."

Sara shook her head. "It's okay. I'll just keep it on." She looked away from him. "Can we eat? I'm starving."

* * *

She dug into her noodles and bok choy like she hadn't eaten anything substantial in weeks. Grissom couldn't help but wonder if she had an ulterior motive for keeping her mouth full of food. But he was determined not to push her. She would tell him in her own way, on her own time table. 

After dinner, he cleared away the dishes. When he came back into the living room, she was standing by window, staring out at the city.

"Do you want something to drink?" he asked her. "Coffee? Brandy?"

She turned her head towards him. Framed by a million lights, she took his breath away. "We need to talk. We haven't really...talked."

He started towards her, drawn to her like a sailor to the Sirens. "I tried calling you from the airport."

"I wasn't ready then." She closed her eyes. "And now..."

They were so close now that he could smell the sweet scent of her hair. A far cry from the garbage dump, although he would have kissed her then if he'd been able to. "Now what?"

Sara shook her head. "I don't know. I can't think when...when you're this close."

In his original plan, they made it to the bedroom. But Grissom supposed the couch was a decent alternative. She had half of his clothes off before he even wrestled her jacket from her shoulders. No words could describe how good she felt pressed up against him. She was warm and very much alive.

If he only had her like this for a limited amount of time, he was determined to take advantage of every precious moment.

With their mouths melded, he reached for the bottom of her shirt. His fingers brushed over her stomach, but inside of finding flat, pliant flesh, he felt a firmness that had never been there before. A roundness that was unmistakable. Without even realizing it, he froze.

She broke the kiss, panting for breath. "I'm sorry," she whispered against his ear. "I should have told you before you left."

He sat there, dumbfounded, while she moved off his lap, and curled into the far corner of the couch. He couldn't remember a single instance in his life when his mind had been quite so blank.

Seconds ticked by, and with each one that passed without a word from him, he had a growing sense that he was making things worse. He had to say something, do something. She could just get up and go, walk out of his house, leave him forever.

But now it wouldn't just be her he'd be pushing away. Suddenly he had two precious people in his life, and so much more to lose.

When he finally spoke, his words cracked with each syllable. "You're not dying."

The faint traces of a smile colored her face. "No. I'm not dying."

Grissom blinked. "I don't understand. Catherine said...you were going to a different doctor."

Sara's sigh was laced with impatience, and he regretted referencing Catherine as a reliable source of information. "Yeah. I did. Because mine wouldn't..." She stopped short. After a moment, he watched her vault up off the couch. With her jacket gone, he could see it even more plainly now. What the coveralls had hidden from him in the hallway. The way their baby was changing her body.

He had the sudden desire to remove every remaining piece of her clothing and examine her from head to toe, to chart every single one of those changes. His shock was giving way to awe.

She crossed to the other side of the room, putting as much distance between them as possible, before turning back to face him.

"Could you hate me?"

He pushed himself up into a sitting position. "What?"

"Is there anything I could do that would make you hate me?"

"Sara..." He wasn't going to think; he wasn't going to ruin anything by hesitating. "No. I love you."

She began nodding again, her method of keeping tears at bay. "I went to that other doctor for an abortion." Grissom swallowed heavily, but let her go on. "I didn't do it. Obviously. You called...and I couldn't."

As boy, he'd had a puzzle that was double-sided. The pieces were the same, but they ended up putting together two very different pictures. As he went over their phone conversations in his mind, he felt like he was thirteen again, putting together a different puzzle with the same pieces.

"When you talked about change, this is what you meant." He shook his head. "And I told you I didn't want it. God, Sara...I didn't know."

"I know. And maybe if you'd been here, the thought never would have crossed my mind. But you were two thousand miles away telling me you wanted everything to be the way you left it when you came back." Sara crossed her arms. "I was throwing up all the time. I was tired and scared and mad at you."

"Honey..."

"And now you have every right to be mad at me."

"I'm not," he said immediately

Sara frowned. "Why not? I almost killed our baby. I'm mad at me!"

He got up and started towards her, mindless of his half-nude state. "Stop," he said softly. "I can't be mad at you for having doubts when I was the one who ran away."

Her eyes shone; her arms slipped apart and her hands covered her belly. "It doesn't matter where you were or why you left. How could I doubt this, even for a second? This isn't an inconvenience or a mistake. It's a part of you and me. And I was going to throw it away because you hurt me. What the hell kind of a mother will I make?"

"An imperfect one," Grissom said. "It's only fair, since I'll be a far from perfect father."

She leaned towards him, and their foreheads met. "I want to have this baby."

"So do I." Sara drew back to look up at him; he smoothed her hair behind her ear. "Either one of us could die tomorrow. I had that very painful reality drilled into my head when I let myself jump to conclusions about your condition."

"Yeah, that was pretty unlike you," Sara said, licking tears from her lips. "Getting ahead of the evidence."

He nodded. "When it comes to you...I'm an idiot." That made her smile. And even though she didn't deny his claim, he smiled, too. "Whatever happens in the future, it's evidence that we had this. That we loved each other."

"Well." There was a twinkle in her eye that he wanted to preserve forever. "I was taught that the evidence is everything." She paused. "But if you leave me again, Gil, I swear..."

"I'm not going anywhere. I promise."

Sara spread his hands across her belly. "We promise, too."

* * *

He woke up the next morning to find her propped up on one elbow, watching him. 

"What's wrong?" he mumbled, still mostly asleep.

"I just realized...I didn't say 'hello' last night."

Grissom pulled her down to his chest and wrapped his arms around her. "It's okay, honey. I never said 'goodbye'."

* * *

Fin 


End file.
